I want to write about Evan's delivery and time here but I don't know if it's appropriate to share it all... I think I'll try to share without ALL the details but some. We'll see, once I start, I usually go on and on! Just so you know, some might not want to read it all. Just a warning! Don't say I didn't tell you!
On Wednesday afternoon (May 14th) I realized I hadn't felt Evan for a few hours. I told myself not to overreact. Maybe he's sleeping, or changed positions so I can't feel him as well. I didn't feel him that night so I started to worry a little but was able to keep calm. The next morning Shawn was helping his parents move and Karah went to preschool. I told him if I didn't feel Evan move while he was gone that we were going in to the doctors after pre-k/after he got home. Ash was here, I probably wasn't very good company! I kinda knew, somewhere inside me, even though I didn't want it to really be happening, that this was it. I cleaned and packed just in case they kept me to get induced. I just had an icky, sad feeling and I knew he was gone. I called my mom and had her meet us at the hospital to watch the kids while we went in. When they started the ultrasound, I could tell right away that his spirit had left his body (before we even saw if his heart was still beating.) It was really sad. I sobbed with Shawn for a few minutes before having him go tell the girls they could come in. Karah just bawled and was so sad! (She still tells me that she misses him more than me!) We thought they'd be inducing me that night but they were super busy and all the rooms were full. They said to call in the next morning at 7am. The girls went home with my mom and Howie and we made our way home. On the way we stopped to watch the sunset at the Great Salt Lake and take some pictures. It was really nice! We called in on Friday May 15th at 7am but the nurse had just gotten there and she said she'd call us back. She did about an hour later and said it'd be a few hours because they were so busy. Bummer! They called and told me to come in about 10:30-10:45am. We got there and I was already having small, regular contractions so I thought it wouldn't take long (especially since it's my fourth delivery!) They used Cytotec throughout the whole labor-no pitocin, wonder why?! While on the cytotec my contractions became very consistent. When I say very consistent I mean they didn't stop. Usually you have a contraction and then there's a break until the next one. Not with this labor! It was one looong contraction for 16 hours-my uterus didn't take a break.. Poor little guy! They said if he'd been alive he wouldn't have gotten any oxygen. I had some complications because of the meds too-nausea and fever and shaking. They started me on antibiotics just in case it was an infection but we think it was the meds because it all got better after I stopped taking it. It also had some sad effects on my baby Evan. The constant contracting was too much for his delicate skin so blisters formed and some popped. Also, his tiny head couldn't take the pressure. I'll just leave it at that. After being in labor all day, with all the family there the whole time, we sent everyone home at about 11pm. The doc said it'd be a few more hours....ugh! He was born at about 2:30am. After about 16 hours of labor we finally had our little guy with us. He was 1lb 12oz and 12 inches long. I will spare you the details and just share the good stuff. It was nice to finally be able to hold him in our arms. We called the family and told them he'd arrived-they could chose to come now or in the morning-we wouldn't be offended either way. My mom asked Karah if she wanted to go see her baby brother and she woke right up and said let's go! Poor kids, they only got a few hours of sleep! It took awhile to get to the hospital and while we were waiting I fell asleep holding Evan wrapped in his blanket. It was really nice! 
See how tiny his little feet were?
This is Shawn's wedding band around Evan's wrist!
See how tiny his little feet were?
This is Shawn's wedding band around Evan's wrist! 
Here is a page I made for his service of each of us holding Evan and a family picture. I'm glad the girls came to see Evan so early in the morning! It was like 5am but they were troopers! The nurse was really good explaining what to expect and what they were seeing. This sure didn't work out the way I'd expected! I thought I would have had him sooner (I guess when your baby isn't alive it's harder to get them out.) I had arranged for my friend Kim to come take pictures for us. I brought white shirts for each of us and a brown blanket for a background. Instead, we had jammies on, messy hair, hospital background and I opted out of a big photography shoot. Sad! I'm okay with it though, I think!
Grandma Bear bought a little "medal" for Evan's flight jacket. It's actually the angel of birth so I say he earned a medal for being born! He's my tiny hero!
Here's Karah cuddling with me during their early morning visit.
I think Alyssa is about to crash! What do you think?!
Holding Evan's little hand.
When we found out Evan had passed away, Karah was so sad. She said she felt like she needed to go buy something (what a true girl!) My mom took her to the gift shop downstairs and she chose this little angel bear. She really wanted to give it to Evan. She kept telling me the whole time I was in labor that she really wanted me to give it to him as soon as he's born. We did, of course. She's so sweet! We ended up having her keep it to remember Evan by. She has been cuddling it when she's sad and I'm glad she has it still.
I like this shot of Lys and Dad. So sweet!
I got a cute tiny lamb from Angel Watch. They help people who find out their baby will not live or won't live long. It's been great having them give us ideas of what we might want to do but haven't ever thought of! They also gave me a tiny baby ring for Evan a few days before he was born and when I mentioned I had wanted one for Kaitlyn they surprised me at Evan's delivery with another one for her! So sweet!
When mom and Steve were leaving with the girls, Karah was really having a hard time and secretly I wanted her to stay with me! My mom called from the lobby and asked if Karah could come sleep with us-we were all tired and would definitely sleep and my mom could come get her as soon as Boo wakes up. I said okay. When Lys saw that Boo got to stay she wanted to too. She fell asleep in Papa Howie's arms and then was transferred to Daddy's arms for the remainder of the night. It was nice to be in the same room sleeping as a family. I was glad it worked out that way. Apparently, I fell asleep mid-sentence along with Boo before they even left.
I think Shawn fell asleep just as fast!
Here's Evan with my wedding ring.We were able to see Evan as much as we wanted while we were in the hospital. I finally decided it was time to let him go and called the nurse to come take him. Shawn had the girls at home Saturday night and my mom came and stayed with me. My sister came to visit and we were having a blast (sleep deprivation and emotions can do crazy things to ya!) so we told Ash she needed to stay the night and we'd have a big sleepover! She finally agreed and then after one of my awkward jokes (they were turning on the tv and I said we could watch the baby channel!) I fell asleep! Nice! Wild sleepover, eh?! I think my mom was fading fast too so Ash decided to go home and we'd have a sleepover some other time! Sorry Dawnie! The next day (Sunday) I decided to go home. The next few days were spent arranging burial stuff, getting flowers, planning the graveside service... On Thursday, May 21st Shawn and I were able to go dress Evan. I was really worried that I'd get an even worse picture of him in my mind and regret going. It was a great spiritual experience with Kaitlyn but I wasn't sure what to expect with Evan. I am SO glad we went! When we walked in I was instantly in tears and spent much of the time holding him and sobbing. That's good though! Shawn was so sweet dressing him with me. He carefully rolled up Evan's sleeves on his outfit so his hands poked out. I was able to say "I love you!" to Evan in case I forgot to in my shocked state. I couldn't remember if I had and spent days crying about that so I was glad I had another chance even though I am SURE he knew!
I also go to hold him like this. I hadn't held him that way when he was born and that's my favorite way to hold my babies so I am glad we had the chance.
Sometimes I wish I could fill a footlong sock with 1lb 12oz of rice, wrap it in a blanket and just hold it. Would that be weird? Probably! But I don't care if it's weird if I do ever end up doing that!
Here's Evan in his "tiny bed." His head is on the left with his white hat on. He's wrapped in his blanket with our heart and a picture of him and I the night we found out he had passed. Just before the service when we were closing his casket, Shawn put half a pair of his AF pilot wings in with his son and he kept the other half. Very sweet! I am so glad he got to be buried with his big sister! She must have had a tough job watching over us and needed some help up there! I love our guardian angels!
I also go to hold him like this. I hadn't held him that way when he was born and that's my favorite way to hold my babies so I am glad we had the chance.
Sometimes I wish I could fill a footlong sock with 1lb 12oz of rice, wrap it in a blanket and just hold it. Would that be weird? Probably! But I don't care if it's weird if I do ever end up doing that!
Here's Evan in his "tiny bed." His head is on the left with his white hat on. He's wrapped in his blanket with our heart and a picture of him and I the night we found out he had passed. Just before the service when we were closing his casket, Shawn put half a pair of his AF pilot wings in with his son and he kept the other half. Very sweet! I am so glad he got to be buried with his big sister! She must have had a tough job watching over us and needed some help up there! I love our guardian angels!I forgot to mention that when Karah saw Evan's tiny toes when he was born she immediately started saying "this little piggy when to the market..." on each toe. I am so glad I have my sweet hubby and girls! They sure are great to cuddle with when needed! And for giggles! Thanks for everything everyone has done-even just thoughts and prayers!
Here is Karah holding her little brother! That's all she wanted to do over the past few months so I am so glad that was able to happen!
